For a number of weeks now, I have been thinking what my goals for the next year could be or should be. But after quite some tries and thoughts and scribbles, I’ve found out that I don’t believe in planning for the year like that – a year is too long for my tastes; the goals I could be setting now may be meaningless by the end of the year. But that’s not the main reason.
What really gets to me – and what has taken the longest to work out – is that I no longer want to take part in things that rely on my superego. I don’t want lists to check off, I don’t want numbers to chase. This works way too well for me, but doesn’t really give me fulfilment. It is satisfying people that aren’t in the room. Yes, I can easily be made to fill out lists. There is a part of me that likes things lining up. I can imagine the pat on the head when I meet goals assigned to me. But that’s not /me/. That is not my core, that is not filling the void that is in me.
What does make sense to me is planning my days. Thinking about what I want to be in the days. Thinking about what fits me this season, this month. What do I want to happen every day, every other day, what needs doing? What are appropriate windows of time to do specific things? Is it better to do this thing in the morning or in the evening?